My little daughter glances up at me and her eyes are like melting stars wrapped in a softening sky. Why should her eyes be so lovely? Why should I be the one blessed to have them look at me?
My husband's hands touch me with grace, giving, and appreciation. Why should my body be the one to be held? Why should I be the one blessed with this good man to care for me?
The sun touches my face, a caressing benediction of nurturing life. Why should my skin be well enough to absorb it with joy? Why should my body be fed and strong and whole in this moment?
Coming from emptiness, it is hard to understand being filled. Knowing lack from childhood, for me there has always been a deep guilt associated with having. That others deserve as much as I do, that others sit bereft while I walk in fullness pulls at my heart imperatively. But if I listen to the guilt, it steals life from others around me who need me to be happy. It robs me of what I have in this moment and benefits no one.
The only appropriate response to this precious beauty is to connect with it and nurture it. It is worth everything I can give to it. It won't last for me or for anyone else. That it is at all, for anyone, is miraculous and wonderful. That I am willing to give my all to it may be one reason it isn't gone right now. From this season of fullness, I can be filled to give when the time comes. And it will come. As surely as night follows day.
I understand where you are coming from when you talk about the guilt about being happy. I think that we were raised in a view point that sacrifice was a part of Christianity. Although our parents and churches meant well I do think that it is not always God's call for us to sacrifice but to enjoy the things that He has given us. He wants to bless us. Guilt robs us from success, relationships and our true happiness. It's unnecessary because guilt is not made for that. Guilt has a place when we do something like hurt another person, it's like pain that teaches us not to touch a hot stove. What makes us as humans attach it to happiness? That's not its purpose=) Good blog.
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