an epiphany

Deep browns of wood grain and warm gold of brass enfolded me in a humming quiet as the elevator doors slid shut. I had brought my eight-year-old daughter to a hotel for one night to have some time together away from the rest of the family. She was waiting in our room while I went to the car for one of our bags. As I felt the pulsing vibrations of the mechanisms lowering me lobbyward, the sense of my aloneness in the space washed through me. It was deep, warm and rich. I was myself, being carried, in a space that had been beautified for the enjoyment of any who entered it.

And, out of that sense of shared beauty, there rose a thought that had never occurred to me before:

“You have as much right to this as anyone else.

You have an equal right to be on the earth, to enjoy it, to love and to have pleasure.

You deserve equally the health you desire for everyone else.”

Whether the elevator tilted or I felt my universe shift, for a moment my head swam.

When the doors slid open, I was glad no one was waiting. I would have been a strange sight - the glow of euphoria on my face, wiping away tears.

    

Images of Christ’s self-sacrifice as our example and ideal always held meaning for me. I wanted to be a servant to all and to give love that would be transformative in other’s lives. But I didn’t ponder the fact that Jesus’ giving didn’t only come from seeing the value of others and serving the Truth, but grew also from a certainty of His own perfect right as the Son of God to all heavenly bliss. He taught and gave and served because He desired all people to share bliss with him, without exclusion. He loved others as he loved himself.

It is impossible to separate love for one’s self from love for others. When we are honest, yet gentle, about our own weaknesses, we give greater grace to the shortcomings of other people. The desire to see my neighbor tenderly warmed and fed grows when I have myself known what care is.

Neglecting one’s self makes love a heavy burden. Before I was concerned for myself, I was still concerned for others, but I could frequently be harsh or resentful. When I demanded too much from myself, my love became demanding. I would give another person the best I knew how, but if they didn’t respond as I had hoped, I could easily feel frustrated and taken advantage of. Because I thought I needed to always be available to give, if I had to say “no”, I would often feel that the other person had forced me to be selfish. Without caring for myself, I had no self to share.

So love yourself with honesty and kindness. Receive the beauties in your life as fully as you can. It isn’t selfishness. It’s selfhood. It is caring for a person who is as valuable, fallible, tender and complex as every other person you will ever meet. And it is an essential part of loving wisely.

 

“Each of us inevitable; Each of us limitless - each of us with his or her right upon the earth; Each of us allowed the eternal purports of the earth; Each of us here as divinely as any is here.”

~ Walt Whitman